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brian dewan


Modern Mortifications

For those of you who do not dismiss the sacred custom of mortification of the flesh, as do many of our intellectual secular humanist friends who think they know everything, you, as well as they, might try one or more of the following:

1. Open the cupboard under the sink and get out a steel wool scouring pad. Put the soap-infused pad in your mouth and don't talk to anyone all day. At night, take it out and lightly scrub your face until it is tender. Then put the pad on your night table where it will be ready in the morning for re-use.

2. When on an airplane, see to it that your flight has two or more stops. Be sure to abstain from eating and drinking and refrain from using the toilet while airborne, as well as while seated during lengthy waits on the ground. Refuse reading material or other entertainments.

3. Put a thumbtack on a chair in a public place. Whenever someone tries to sit down, prevent them from sitting on it and hurting themselves. They are sure to be very annoyed with you for preventing them from sitting down and making a commotion. Over and over, theatrical looks of derision directed towards you for attracting unwanted attention by keeping them from sitting down on the tack.

4. Pick a number, any number. You must do everything that number of times in one day. If you pick a high number, in the hundreds for example, you will only do a handful of things hundreds of times each that day. If you pick a higher number, you will only do one thing many, many times, and maybe it will take more than one day. If you picked zero or one, you aren't really choosing a number. Even doing everything twice for one day can be a trial.

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